the bad animals

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January 30, 2012

Tool box

Learned square breathing today and also we talked a lot about using sound to calm me down. This has always seemed counter intuitive b/c I usually get annoyed about sounds but (this won’t make sense either) it’s mostly when sounds touch me that I get annoyed. So learning which sounds don’t touch me.

Still haven’t eaten but I made myself tea and I’m planning on trying to eat a muffin in a little bit. Basically everything is going to shit, but I’m having a very hard time stopping and explaining that to myself, or anyone.

I’m also bored of explaining what is wrong. So i can only imagine how other people feel.

Dr. K was very particular about how I needed to “shed” something and I agree. I am usually hesitant about shedding things because that seems to color them as … being gone and done. But I actually would like some things to be dead and gone, if this eating disorder isn’t going anywhere for another five years I might as well get over my sister hitting me or my mother potentially having bulimia.

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January 26, 2012

Sometimes I can’t tell what this blog is

but whatever.

Ok so. One of the main problems I can’t always put into words with not eating for extended periods of time is that you stop considering eating but it’s not like leaving small post-it notes or setting a snack time! alarm on my phone would freak me any the fuck less out.

that makes probably no sense but yeah. It would. So, I think one of the things that was most helpful about talking to people about dissociation was that they usually had ways to end the episode or at least help with the post-episode trauma. I have done things to get out of a dissociative frame of mind that make other people want to take me to the ER to have a brain scan. I’ve walked barefoot in december to Brecon and back, for example.

It’s whatever works.

One of the things I have recently been rediscovering, as my recent blog entry project showed, was that I actually do like food. I enjoy food. It is a pleasing sensory experience. It has color, taste, touch, smell, often sound— I do not feel as if any part of my perception is left out.

Things that happen

Yesterday about the only thing I did was take my Prozac. I didn’t go out. I didn’t get things done. I didn’t start reading or responding to text messages until 10 PM but I did take my prozac. I ate three bites of a tuna sandwich and seltzer water.

And all this happened really only because I woke up and knew I had a 26 inch waist.

I can tell the difference between my 27 and 26 inch waist just by looking at my stomach. I don’t know how or if this is feasible but the point is, that I’m always right. And I know I’m right because my grandmother gives me measuring tapes with a weirdly regular frquency, so even if I got rid of one, there is always one waiting.

Once I have a 26 inch waist I want to hold onto it. I want to keep it. I want to have it forever. And I also just want to not move, not eat, not do anything.

(there were colluding factors…i had an upset stomach and my hormones are terrible right now, and so is my fibro for the past two days and I”m under a lot of stress at school work and home but also, I had a 26 in waist)

I haven’t yet talked to my therapist about my waist because I don’t want to venture there until I know what to say and how to say it. To a large degree my disordered eating has very little to do with popular culture and media but that isn’t to say it doesn’t have a lot to do with the figure of the body—and a desire to be thin.

My psychiatrist said she really wanted to see me “shed” a lot of this and my first thought was that I should lose 10 lbs first. I don’t know when this became about weight or when it just became more obviously about weight. There are no scales that I know of on campus. If my friends have them it’s too awkward to ask to use them. And we never had scales t home—but we’ve always had measuring tape.

Photo

January 01, 2012

173 notes

(via foodfuck)

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January 01, 2012

16 notes

omnommy:

Jam roly poly!

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January 01, 2012

11 notes

foodertoire:

Roasted Red Pepper, Garlic, and Butternut Squash Soup

Photoset

January 01, 2012

2 notes

whatdyoueatyesterday:

Alright, we are getting closer! Thanksgiving post #uuhhhh 3? I’m losing track! Ah! Crap, it’s #4. Ok… Thanksgiving Post #4.

Rolls. Yep. These were my only responsibility for both Thanksgiving meals we went to. Apparently no one wanted me to make anything else, I’m ok with it though. And since they were all that I was in charge of, I figured I better go all out and make some damn good rolls. And I’m 110% positive I accomplished that.

Here’s what happened, I was planning on making lots more than just rolls, but things fell through and so I just stuck with my original thought, which was to make Pioneer Woman’s Parker House Rolls. I actually made them in the beginning of November to test them and make sure they were super delicious and met my high Thanksgiving standards and I took all these photos of them and never posted them because I got caught up in other stuff. I was bummed, so that’s what the second photo is from, a month ago (I felt I needed to use at least one of the 8 photos I took of the rolls from earlier. I also made a test dessert that sucked… so I never even bothered with posting that). The first photo is from Thanksgiving.

So I made half a batch and was quite impressed with how delicious they were (they have a lot of butter in them and I have a feeling that has a large part to do with them tasting so good). They were extremely time consuming to make, but I figured if I didn’t work the day before Thanksgiving, I would be ok. And so I asked for the day off. Haha.

Well, then one of the blogs that I follow happened to post a recipe for incredibly pretty crescent rolls and I knew I was in trouble. Crap. They looked really good. What was I going to do?? I’ll tell you what I did… I made them both. I did something scary and bold and made the crescent rolls for the first time the day before Thanksgiving. I didn’t do any testing, I just went for it. And I am so glad I did.

They are both very time consuming. You really have to devote pretty much a whole half of your day to making these things. And while some people think that is silly and stupid; I think it’s worth it. I mean, why wouldn’t I slave over some rolls for 4 hours and then only eat one of each the entire weekend? The answer is quite simple. I would.

For those of you who have never made rolls or bread or anything like that before, it can be a daunting task. There’s a lot of work involved: setting, mixing, rising, rolling, folding, cutting, heating, more folding, buttering, rising, folding, rolling, rising, folding, rolling, rising… and eventually… baking. But would you like to know the best part of all of that? The very last thing… after baking… eating. And when you eat rolls freshly out of the oven, you will thank whoever you believe started this world a million times over for inventing flour, butter, milk and yeast and you will quite possibly be the most blissfully happy girl (or guy) in the entire world for the 30 seconds it takes you to scarf down the whole roll that is smothered with melted butter. Yep. See? WORTH ALL THE WORK. It’s like when you go to a bakery or a grocery store and get a fresh loaf of bread or muffin, or pastry or whatever and it’s hot out of the oven… only these taste better because you put so much work into them yourself. I’m telling you, they are good.

And apparently, for those who didn’t make them, they were good too. Everyone at both Thanksgivings seemed to thoroughly enjoy them. I know because they told me. And that’s quite a good feeling, knowing that somehow you pleased a good 25-30 people with your hard work. *Sigh* if only I could make other people’s recipes and bake and cook whenever I felt like it for a living. It sure would be nice…… But right now, I don’t see that happening, so,for now, I’ll stick with making stuff for Brad and whoever else wants to eat it, for free.

The Parker House Rolls have a fantastic sweetness that goes well with all the salty stuff on Thanksgiving. They also make great little mini sandwiches for leftovers. The Crescent Rolls were exactly as she said… flaky. Mine didn’t turn out quite as pretty as hers (I don’t want to talk about it) but the taste was all there. Far better than the ones you buy in a can and roll out yourself… don’t get me wrong though, I love those things!

Here are the recipes. I suggest you put the time into making them for your next gathering. People will bow down and love you for them… maybe. No one really bowed down to me, but they might to you.

http://thepioneerwoman.com/cooking/2010/11/parker-house-rolls/

http://www.eatliverun.com/flaky-crescent-rolls-for-thanksgivin/